Many people I’ve talked to in the past few days either assume or ask me whether I don’t feel nervous for leaving everything behind and starting off in this journey. To be honest, I don’t know whether I am nervous or not. But I certainly don’t feel nervous!

After the nervous breakdown, I started taking some medications. I am therefore chemically incapable of feeling nervous. Maybe that’s why it seemed so easy to make this decision.

How do these medications work? I don’t know. But I can describe what they feel like. It’s kind of like a saloon door – an underdamped system. The doors are held normally closed. When you push them and let go, they will swing from one side to the other, swinging closer every time, until they’re held closed again.

Suppose the closed door is my “normal” mood. When I see, hear, or experience anything that would put me in a bad mood, I feel bad, then I feel good, then a little bad, then a little good, and on and on until I go back to “normal”. Those mixed feelings last a few seconds, and then it’s over, I’m in a controlled state again.

With time, it also seems my feelings get compressed. I don’t feel the peaks any more. Neither up nor down. I still get chills down my spine when listening to good music though…